Jerri Blank Test Day Quote

"Maybe it's time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can't, and start doing the thing that you can't do, but can no longer pretend that you can." -- trying to inspire Glen, the busdriver who doesn't know how to drive, to get behind the wheel again, from "The Blank Page"

The Day Before An Exam

The weekend has come and gone.  Almost all of it spent studying with a few sanity breaks here and there.  It is interesting to sit back and watch the pre-test mind and the post-test mind.  The pre-test mind hates medical school and wants nothing more than to just drop out.  The post-test mind is rational about the volume of material and somewhat energized about another step that has come and gone.  The beauty of medical school is that with each exam, you can feel the accomplishment and progress.

There are pros and cons to each year of medical school, except the 4th year.  This is why I consider medical school to be a 3 year program with the 4th for refinement and applications.  Being in the second year of med school, the pros are more interesting material than the 1st, beginning to feel like you understand what is going on, feeling like you are making progress, and still having control over your schedule.  The cons are the volume is more than the first, the pace is more rapid, and burning out.  The burn out feeling didn't affect me as much during 1st year because it was all SO NEW.  Having already done first year, the process of being fed medical material is not as exciting.  I can recall the first lecture during first year, I got chills down my spine when we were taught a disease.  I had this feeling of, YES finally I have arrived.  My how quickly that feeling has evolved into a complete disdain.  What a realization!

I'm sure when I'm in third year, in near tears from lack of sleep and dying to just be at home with my SO and girls, I will probably reflect with the theme of my life: "those were the days".  I can look back a mere few years and think "Oh, that was such a great time then", but during that time I thought "Oh that will be the day when I'm in medical school".  Tomorrow is not promised, time to start living today.

I leave you with the following quote:


"Life is difficult.  This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."  -M. Scott Peck The Road Less Traveled

A Long Day of Studying

When awaking this morning at 8, the thought of another long day of studying was enough to send me back to sleep till 9. Dragging myself to my desk was the feeling of utter despair. Not another day filled with pathology, pharmacology, immunology, microbiology, etc. Not another day of memorizing numbers, abbreviations, pathways, and diseases/pathogens. Not another day of being the one unable to partake in life. Not another day of reviewing the numerous ways the body can fall apart on its own or through the gracious effort of bacteria, viruses, helminthes, protozoa, etc. This feels like this just can't continue without losing the last trace of sanity I have left. WAIT! I haven't had my coffee yet.

Ok, things are better. The music is playing, the rhythm is building, and next thing I know 5 hours have passed under the theme of pathology. Time for my break. My SO and I venture out to what I now refer to as the "real world" or "life". Enjoying an IPA, YUM! Conversations, a sense of normalcy, I know is just a tease as the long leash of studying will soon yank me back. An hour and a half later, back to the desk. The hours pass as I study and take random breaks for laughter (check out Debbie Downer) or meditation. The day is concluding like most, the thoughts of a day wasted. I spend so much time functioning as a computer that is taking a long time to download the information. I spend so little time functioning as a human being. It's not always like this, just when it gets close to exam time. I am still struggling with the loss of my old life and the birth of my new life.

Perhaps its not so bad. I can faintly recall the immense desire just to get into medical school and now that I am in, I contemplate getting out. Such a privilege to be in yet such a challenging journey. This journey is long, but fast. Along the way I have learned much and look forward to the evolution ahead.

I leave with this quote:

"In order to discover new lands, one must be willing to lose sight of the shore for a very long time."--Andre Gide

Hmmmmm

Well, as part of my journey on this difficult road of medicine, I thought perhaps writing these thoughts of happiness and despair might help myself and others understand the path that is MEDICINE. Enjoy, feel free to leave comments.